So the countdown is about to begin. (Thanksgiving through Christmas and New Years Day) This year is going to be a little different for us.  Surprise!

Like it hasn’t been these past ten or eleven months?

Seriously,  the Holiday madness…. For the past twenty-four or so years(can’t remember the exact number and too lazy to do the math right now), I have been in the retail industry full-time.  This year I am part-time and in home improvements instead of diamonds, gems and jewelry… as well as blogging and unemployed the rest.  Gee, I am a man of “Diversity”.    PUKE!   I should be able to enjoy the Holiday Season like the rest of civilization.

Perhaps, I can enjoy decorating the outside of our house.  Then I can have a good time putting our Christmas tree and the trimmings that go under and around it here as you saw on Marye’s previous post “What Did Your Spouse Bring To The Holidays?”

After as long as I have been in retail, the joy of the Christmas Season had been sucked out of me.   Long hours, six day work weeks, especially the past five years that I did it,  just did me in.  You see I was employed by the American twentieth century “Scrooge”.  I used to tease and joke about it.  But the truth be known, I have never worked for worse.

My problem is I won’t make a change, as long as I am able to support my family and tolerate it.  This also happened to be  my first “christian” boss.     I enjoyed Christmas, don’t get me wrong.

But this year I intend to ENJOY it.   Or I hope to.

Deck the hall with boughs of holly,

Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra!

Watch  Christmas Story to the end if you don’t get that.

Anyone else doing something different than usual for this year’s Christmas Season?

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An this is seriously all I have to say on the matter….

For this week.  I think.  Maybe….

As you can see there are a lot of ingredients that go into an orgasm. So many people are squeamish about their sexuality that it is a wonder that anyone has them at all.  Personally I would like to see a drive through… “Yes, I will take a four minute orgasm with a side of …”

Never mind.   Just seriously, stop being so serious!  O.k.? 

The only thing I haven’t really broached here in this series is sex toys and other helps.  I really think that every woman should, if at all possible, learn to create an orgasm on her own but I also realize that sometimes that doesn’t happen.  Sooooo….toys.

Toys are coming out of the…uh….toybox.  They aren’t just for perverts anymore.  There is a great assortment of them, and they are everywhere.  Amazon sells probably a couple hundred different kinds of vibrators!  When Marc and i took the blog I put a couple of my favorite shops in the links on the side bar.  They are not porn shops, and if I remember correctly they are Christian.  Amazon also has alot of stuff…so, I thought I would give you a quick run down on “stuff” and what it does.  That way you don’t have to ask your teenager.

Just kidding.

• Vibrator: can be used in a variety of ways from stimulation of the clitoris to stimulation of the perineal area of the husband.  When using a position that does not directly stimulate the clitoris you can use the vibrator for extra oomph.   Some vibrators are meant to be used internally against the G-spot, and then there are some that have internal and external capabilites for doing both at the same time.
• Lube: Lube comes in many forms.  There is flavored lube, unflavored lube, waterproof lube, and lube to use with latex.  There are lubes that heat up, lubes that tingle and lubes that deaden sensation to extend the husband’s ..uhh..”up” time.  (It basically holds off ejaculation longer due to desensitization).  If you are prone ot yeast infections don;t use the flavored lubes for penetration.  My personal favorite lube is organic coconut oil..it is antifungal, antibacterial, and nice and slippery.  You can melt it down a little, add some sugar free coffee syrup in your favorite flavor and make your own flavored lube.  So…Why lube?  Lube makes things slippery so that there is less chance of pain during penetration.  The slipperiness can enhance the sexual experience, and if you use one of the specialty lubes (tingling, heat) then it can add a different feel altogether.  Some people like it, some don’t.
• Flavored Powders and Frostings:Dust on and lick off.  Pretty darn simple.
• Vibrating Ring: This does several things.  It is all about multitasking.  It is a silicone ring with a small vibrator attached.  The ring fits over the penis and settles at the base.  It helps to hold in the blood(without cutting off circulation..it is not tight for most men) to help with ED problems.  It also vibrates giving a different sensation…it ALSO vibrates against the clitoris during thrusting so there is more action everywhere.
• Intensifying Gel: Goes by many names but basically it makes your clitoris more sensitive.  Increased sensation means increased pleasure, generally.  Be careful though, too much and it can just make you sore.
• Blindfold: Why a blindfold, you ask?  Blindfolds are sexy because you are out of control.  Remember, part of the whole intensity of sex is the being out of control.  Remember the scene in the video I posted?  Blindfolds, feathers, ice, different textures, and even light handcuffs or silk ties are all related to light BDSM.  It can be very exciting to be at the mercy of your spouse. (This is where the trust comes in).  Most people initially react with a “No way!”.  How do you know if you don’t try it?
• Penis enhancers: Honestly, I am not sure I could look at one of theseand not laugh..but they used to be called French Ticklers back in the olden days.  They are made of silicone and fit on the penis..they have various bumps, and other odd shapes on them to enhance the way it feels…if you can stop laughing.
• Ben Wa Balls/Luna Beads: Everyone knows that Kegels are good for you.  Well these are made to be used internally during kegels to increase the resistance.  They are also stimulating.
• Nipple Rings:These aren’t  piercings.  The nipple fits through a space in intricately patterned wire.  They creates enough tightness to let you know it is there. They are pretty.
• Stroker: This is a silicone sleeve for men.  Sometimes they have goop within the layers of silicone, and some have small beads…some vibrate. They are basically a fake vagina.  They are an excellent idea for couples that can’t have intercourse for a long time for some reason..just makes things a little different.  I suggested one of these to someone outside the family once, during a particulary difficult time…they really liked it.  I can’t tell you more than that..it isn’t something i will be able to use. :D
• Tightener:A cream that causes the tissues of the vagina to swell and tighten..I am not sure this stuff is sucha  great idea…
• Prostate Massager: The truth is that many  men really get pleasure form prostate massage but the only way to get to it is  anally.  The aneros is probably the best massager on the market.  It it inserted into the anus and has bumps that move against the prostate as you move.  The compay also does a similar one for g spots for women.
• Costumes: Again, it is fun to role play.  For some women, it allows them to leave themselves for awhile and become someone else. Since most men are visual it gives them a little different wrapping on the package.  Love Fifi is linked on the sidebar at the bottom.  It is by far the best place I know of to get costumes..
• Talk:Do not underestimate the power of well spoken words to light a fire.  Make some noise, let yourself go, say words that you wouldn’t say anywhere else..It’s o.k. Stop thinking and allow yourself to feel.
• Do whatever it takes to feel sexy.
• Games: There are thousands of games out there specifically to enhance your sex life.  There are many more that can be used in the same way…Twister could be a pretty amazing game if you play it naked, or partially clothed.  Strip checkers, anyone?  Loosen up and make your love life the mini-vacation it was meant to be.

I realize that there is a ton more I could have covered here.  Bu this is a good start, and I have a tendency to overwhem people anyway.
So for the rest of the week I will talk about something besides sex.

Glad it’s Thursday.

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This clip contains one of the most sensual scenes in the history of movies, in my opinion…the soup scene.

In it..he has her blind-folded, tasting and identifying tastes and components in the soup he is feeding her.  Watch what happens.

By the way, she does correctly identify the last ingredient, if you don;t understand German….

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I always have to be extremely careful what I say in my first sentence.  Why? Simple…because the first hundred or so characters will show up on Facebook and there are kids that are linked to me on Facebook..including my own!

How sexy do you feel? Right now, right this minute.  If you were a fictional character which one would you be?

How we see ourselves as women has a huge impact on our ability to enjoy sex.  Whether this sounds sexist or not, woman were created to enjoy being admired and desired.  NOT on a magazine cover… but by thier husbands.  Whether you want to agree or not, one of the basic need of a woman is to be cherished and desired.  That comes before achievemnet in any other area.

===========o

==0  ==============0 Ha..missed me with that tomato.  =========0   ====0

Some men seem to be naturally good at knowing what to say and how to say it. Some are not.  I know many women who are not who they really could be because their husbands are unable to convey to them that they are cherished and desired.

My spiritual Mom, who is also my pastor’s wife, conveys to all that she is cherished and desired.  She glows.  You just know if you said something unkind to her her husband (who also happens to be the pastor) would flatten you.  She is a brilliant, independent, beautiful woman….but her husband takes very good care of her.  She has always driven nice cars, worn nice clothing, and had the look of someone who was… O.k..parden the analogy here but this is the only way I can say it…She is a lap dog while other women are hunting dogs, or guard dogs or whatever.   She is cherished and taken care of.She is secure in who she is..I think she has been allowed to feel that she is the perfect match for him in every way.

When women are secure they are free to be sensual.  They have to know that they are the top pick for their husband, that there isn’t be anyone else that he finds more attractive….This would include men gawking at Sports Illustrated Models and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Sensuality and sexuality, for most women, grows in the safety of a secure relationship that loves her for who and what she is.  And this is where the problem often comes in.

Many women feel that since their libidos don’t match thier husband’s  that they are not loved for who they are… Too many people look at their low libido and say,”This is how I was made”.

Sorry..I don’t buy that. That, too me, is like an anorexic saying “I was made this way, I just don’t enjoy food”.

Let’s call it sexual suppression. These are the problems that i have identified..I am sure there are more.

• Hurt
• Bitterness
• Unforgiveness
• Cultural ideas that should be let go
• Resentment
• Depression
• Anger
• Stress
• Poor Health
• Poor nutrition
• Ignorance
• Fear
• Unwillingness to change

I can put on my Mrs. Santa Outfit, thigh high patent leather stilletto boots, and walk into the office and if Marc chooses not to respond there is nothing I can do about it.  If he chooses to respond, but feels awkward or afraid because of things in his past then we can work together to find a solution as long as he is open and honest.  In o ther words, rather than asking yourself “why should I?” Begin to ask yourself “Why SHOULDN’T I?”

In the first scenario I leave the room crying because I feel awkward and ugly..he has recreated his own inhibitions in me…in the second scenario he might find that I have recreated some of my sensuality in him.

While he finds my sexuality overwhelming…I find his lack of it demeaning.   And that is the challenge that we work around 24/7.  We are in a particularly difficult bit right now.

My point is that as long as your see your low libido as normal and o.k. then you won;t get past it. It won’t be until you want something more enough to change that it will, in fact, change….not overnight, but over time.

People with low libidos tend not to be risk takers, they tend to like ruts and comfort and predictability.

People can die from predictability.

Decide who you want to be and work on believing that you are that person.  Sexy, self assured, delightfully unique…

Find words to describe who you want to be..and write them down. read them…pray about them…become them… and face those inner things that you need to face.  If your relationship with your spouse is stunted every other thing you do will be affected you will never be the person you have the potential to be.  Don;t mistake a habit for a character trait.  Don;t mistake an inhibition or fear for human chemical structure.

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When it comes right down to it I am good at two different things.  The OTHER one I talk about on  one of my other b5 blogs, Baking Delights.

I just wanted you to know, if you don’t read over there, that Hershey’s PR offered me the opportunity to give away four gift baskets filled with …CHOCOLATE!  I will be giving away one a week for the next four weeks.  Don’t miss out…but you better hurry, there are all ready over 60 comments.

And you get to see a whole different side of me over there.  :)

O.k…back to my OTHER favorite subject….

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It seems that Christian pastors are coming out.  No, they are not gay.  But they are speaking out on a subject much tabooed in the church.  S-e-x.

What else did you expect?

A Dallas Ft. Worth pastor Sunday challenged his married couples to a seven day“Sex-periment”.   It isn’t only Doug Brown author of “Just Do It”,  or the pastor who recently challenged his congregation to 40 days of sex.  More and more we are hearing pastors that are teaching married couples in their congregations that sex in marriage is important in building strong healthy marriages.

Here is the link to the latest story: Sexperiment

For some reason sex became a taboo subject in America’s churches, including the discussion of sex in a monogamous one man-one woman marriage.   I grew up joking as an adolescent about sex but can’t have a serious conversation on the subject as an adult.  We recently were talking about how I can joke or kid about sex, even with another couple or others, but I avoid having conversations with Marye about our sex life.

It has been the same in churches and Sunday Schools.   If you asked questions or needed counsel for your floundering marriage from your pastor or church leader they hemmed and hawed around the subject.  Then they quickly steered the conversation to a more comfortable subject.

My former pastor met me at my request to meet with him about our marriage at a local Starbucks one Saturday morning.  As the small talk was subsiding I brought us to the reason for our get together.  I told him that we as a couple were having a major struggle in our marriage because of sex.   “Well Marc, er, uh….you know…”

I went to work that morning frustrated that the big brawny retired soldier and pastor turned as squeamish on the subject as I was.  Well,  that was no help!  I called and scheduled another get together and we talked about the War Against Terror and other military common ground; my son who is in the Air force, etc.   It was going very well until I asked if he had gotten any insight or wisdom from the Lord for him to share counsel with me.

“Marc, I need to pick up my wife for her hair appointment” was the response.

I am ecstatic that there are men, godly men, who will spread this message from their pulpits.  After all God used an entire book in his training manual for life, a.k.a. The Holy Bible.  It is called Song of Solomon or Song of Songs depending on your translation of God’s Word you use.  Personally from my linguistic background, Song of Songs may be the better translation.  The book is about married love, and the translation of Song of Songs is a superlative or Best.  The Song of Songs means that there is none better or will there ever be.  Just like God’s Son, Jesus, God’s Word fleshed out is The King of kings.  There is no king above Him.

It is written in the midst of the greatest love story ever told.   It is written for married men & women of yesteryear, today and the future married men and women to come.

Bravo to God’s men to preach this message to God’s married couples!

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I think there will be only one more post (after this) in this series, at least for now.  I hope that it has given you something to think about and been helpful in some way.

One of the major differences I have noticed in women that orgasm easily and those who don’t is that those who do think about sex more than those who don’t.  This could have something to do with hormone levels or it could just be habit…But I believe that it is a habit that can be established.

I tend to think of something sexual several times an hour..Marc tends not to think of sexual things at all.  At least that is my perception.  He told me and our counselor that he does not have fantasies and I assume that is still the case.  What I have found is that thinking of sex keeps me simmering…and I see no reason to change that.

I am very visual..there are certain things Marc can wear that will send me into a fantasy.  But even when he is not here I am likely to fall into a fantasy about him, a memory of a particularly good time with him, or something.  Generally, this mental moment will bring on a low simmer to the libido.  If I continue the thoughts very long the low simmer turns to a boil.

Since this happens several times during the day it is very rare that Marc could approach me and I would say no.  While women may truly be crockpots and men may truly be microwaves, in my case I have learned that keeping the crockpot on simmer makes things a whole lot easier.  I see myself primarily as Marc’s playmate..not as his wife.

I have suggested to other women who have difficulty in this area that thye change thier view of themselves.  I know how hard this can be.  Because of verbal abuse in my past I see myself as a failure and not very good at much of anything,  it takes a lot of self talk to get me past that sometimes.  So, don’t say “I can’t” because if I can anyone can!

My suggestion is that you attempt to create a fantasy or remember a special moment at least once a day…when those thoughts (about you husband) come to your mind don’t push them away so you can concentrate on the grocery list…stop for a moment and entertain the thoughts…allow yourself to be sensual.  If you are Christian ask the Lord to give you intense desire for your spouse..and if you have had difficulty in reaching orgasm pray about that to, after all God created you, He created sex, He said it was good.  He isn’t the one holding you back.

By changing our thought patterns we change our lives.  (The Bible tells us many times to dwell on the positive things).  Try something you haven’t tried before, instead of asking “why?” ask “why not?”

Seeking your own orgasm and intense pleasure (under normal circumstances) will not make you selfish..on the contrary it will make you a  generous lover.  Look at it this way, people who really really enjoy cooking are exceptionally good at cooking…people who really really enjoy skiing are exceptionally good at it…people who really really enjoy sex generally are willing to try different things, experiment and seek to make it the best it can be for both partners.  Caveat….if you are a guy who prefers the wham-bam method you need to do just the opposite.  You need to learn to seek your partners ecstasy first.  Then yours.

If one spouse is not enthusiastic about sex, even if they are “giving it up” regularly, it is not going to be everything it can for either of them.  Having sex with someone who is only mildly interested is not much different from masturbation.  It leaves you feeling rather empty.  Nearly everyone wants to be intensely desired.

As you think and pray about some of the suggestions here, and as you implement them into your life, try to change the way that you think about your spouse and about sex.  If what you are doing isn’t working…then change it.  There is no excuse for boring, predictable sex except selfishness and laziness, whether you are male or female.

Often, when it comes right down to it, lack of orgasm is a control issue.  There may be resentments, or distrust or something that makes you, deep inside, want to remain in control.  Face it, in order to have an orgasm you must relinquish control of your body.

Keep communicating, keep experimenting, keep trying.

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All right..if you lived through part one of this series then part two will be ….easy..sort of.  And this it primarily for women.

Sadly, many women have no clue how their physical body works sexually.  So, the first thing we are going to do is have an anatomy lesson.

Female Sexual Anatomy

•  Labia (major and minor)- the folds of skin that surround the vagina and run up to where the clitoris is.
• Clitoris- this is the small (or not so small) bump at the top of your labia. This acts in a similar way as the penis, becoming larger and filled with blood during arousal..it is made from the same sensitive tissue.
• Vagina- this is the opening where intercourse occurs, menstrual blood comes out, and babies enter the world…Rather a busy place.  It  has the potential to expand and contract as needed.  The major nerves are in the first couple of inches.
• G Spot- this is a gland, similar to the prostate on the male.  It is about the size of a quarter and you can feel it as a rough patch about 2 inches inside the vagina against the bladder side of the vaginal wall.  When you are aroused it can fill with fluid and become larger.  Sometimes that fluid is released during orgasm.  It is not urine, although it is fluid like urine.
• If you are very visual there are medical drawings from Gray’s Anatomy here

For the most part these are the areas of sensitivity that will ultimately result in orgasm in women.  Some women can orgasm from nipple stimulation alone, some women are very aroused by anal stimulation.  You can probably figure that out on your own. We are primarily discussion the vulva.

Get a mirror and arrange yourself and the mirror so you can get a good look at what you have been blessed with.

When a woman is aroused her labia will swell, as will the clitoris.  Depending on her age, her hormone levels, the time of the month, and her individual body there will be an increase of mucus to lube the vagina..this does not mean that she is very aroused (if wet) or not aroused (if dry-ish).   Again, it depends on the individual.  Many women, especially as they get older, need lube.  I suggest organic, virgin coconut oil unless you are using latex.

Women have three types of orgasms.

1. Clitoral-emanating primarily from the clitoris
2. Vaginal- emanating primarily from the vagina
3. Combination where both areas are involved.

One orgasm is not necessarily superior to the other, and “squirting” which is the release of fluid from the G spot area (sometimes copious amounts) does not mean anything either. Any orgasm is fantastic.  Focusing on one type or another is not helpful.  An orgasm occurs when the uterus pulls up and there is a cycle of pleasurable muscle spasms that last for a few seconds up to a couple of minutes.  Women can have numerous orgasms in a short period of time..men generally need a bit of time to recoup…as they get older this can take anywhere form a few hours to a few days..or more.

There are a number of ways to achieve an orgasm.  Again, there is not one “right” way.  Many women cannot have orgasms from intercourse alone because there is not enough stimulation of the clitoris.  There are various positions that can help with this..google CAT position, or Coital Alignment Technique.  This allows the most stimulation during intercourse.

Since many women have difficulty in reaching orgasm during intercourse the NICE thing for you guys to do is to make sure she reaches orgasm before you penetrate.  This can help a lot if your wife is having pain with penetration because she will be very relaxed and lubed up.  The basic ways to achieve this are:

• Stimulation of the clitoris with the fingers (gently!!!!!!!!!!!)
• Stimulation of the clitoris with the tongue (usually a better choice)
• Stimulation of the clitoris with a vibrator (also a good choice…gently!)

There is a book that Amazon carries called “She Comes First”.  Guys, if you are unsure of yourself when dealing with your wife’s anatomy I highly suggest that book.  I have read parts of it, although not all of it, and it seems very on target.

Women need to know what it takes to create the best possibility of an orgasm and that means exploring your body yourself, in private.  Use your fingers, or use a vibrator if you are more comfortable with that.  Lots of women do have more success with a vibrator.

If it is your first time with one choose something made for external use..like a bullet vibe.  Amazon has them and you can order what you like and have it delivered rather than going into a shop…You do not have to buy a vibrator that looks like a foot long purple penis unless you really want to.

It may be hard to get past the idea that somehow you are being bad or dirty.  You may have some feelings of anxiety, or whatever…  I don’t think anyone should do anything that makes them feel dirty or wrong but I do think that we need to shake off the unhealthy viewpoints that we have picked up or been taught and have a healthy outlook on sex…Men and women.

Masturbation is an important way to get to know your body.  How are you going to tell your spouse what feels good and what will bring you to orgasm if you don’t know yourself?

Think about what you are feeling, what is working for you, what is not. Use some coconut oil for lube and don’t try for an orgasm.  You are looking for your body’s triggers, what it likes..what it doesn’t.  You may need to try different positions, or you may need to have your leg muscles tensed, or you may need to kegel…If you have an O  that is great! But don’t put pressure on you for that.  You are exploring.  Learning.  Experimenting.

If you are one of the guys that also has trouble in this area (and there are some) I suggest that you do the same thing.  If you don’t masturbate, or it is very rare that you do,  then you may not be getting all you can out of your sexual experience.  A caveat here..if you are one of those guys that spends an hour in the bathroom with your hand (or a handy dandy silicone vagina) and a penthouse do NOT ..I repeat DO NOT take this as a stamp of approval on what you are doing.  Totally different stuff, Bonzo. No wonder your wife is having a hard time.

Let me put it this way.  You get a new car.  You put the key in the ignition and it goes.  But if you never play with the buttons you won’ t know about the sliding moon roof, the automatic windows, and the heated seats, capiche?  And what if you have been blessed with a modern day chitty chitty bang bang? How will you know it flies unless you pull the knob?

Being uninformed is not spiritual, virtuous or anything else..it is just ignorant.  There is not one thing wrong with good, healthy research.  Know how your body works.  Be able to share that knowledge with your spouse.

Last time I told you to talk openly with your spouse…This time..spend some time with yourself.

Questions?

More later…

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When Marc posted the Longer Marriage post it got me thinking about a lot of things.  Not everyone is the same.  Not everyone’s marriage is the same…not everyone’s body works the same.

We talk about sex a lot on Marriage Actually.  The reason that we do is because it is one of the biggest problems in marriages. You would think with all of the movies, t.v. and trashy magazines that are out there everyone was cool with sex…but sadly, it isn’t true.  This will be a series of parts..and I am not sure how many parts there will be. :)

Before you read further…I do not intend to be family friendly in this discussion. I intend to be honest, open and real.  I believe that women are responsible for their own sexual fulfillment ..but I also believe that couples are responsible to each other for their sexuality.  In other words, while I am responsible for doing what I need to do to make sex awesome for myself…Marc is responsible for doing what he can to make it awesome for me as well.  And vice versa.

I also want to point out that while it is USUALLY women that have the difficulty in enjoying their sexuality it can ALSO be men that have difficulty…

Ready?

There are a lot of people that do not enjoy sex, or don’t enjoy it to its potential.  There are a lot of reasons that they don’t.

I can’t fix every problem, nor can I explain every reason but I can give you some ideas that might help.  I also am not equipped to explain the reasons men might have difficulty with sex, but I suspect that a lot of the information is the same. I am not a psychologist nor do I play one on t.v….these posts are just my own thoughts and experiences as a woman.

Many couples do not really understand how their bodies work.  For guys in their twenties it is pretty simple really.  Their testosterone levels keep sex easy.  But as they get older those testosterone levels don’t always make things easy anymore.  Now, women often have to work harder at enjoying sex from the beginning.  Fewer women than men will admit to masturbation at any age.  That is not necessarily a good thing. (and more about this later)

You need to understand how your body works, first and then you need to reacquaint  yourself with ….yourself. Likes, dislikes, emotions, sensuality….the whole thing.  Sex is not just a physical thing. In the same way you need to have an understanding of how your mate’s body works.  If you wives are rolling your eyes and thinking, “Yep..I KNOW how it works”, well, it really isn’t that simple.

Until you understand how your AND your mate’s bodies work your sex life is not going to be everything you want it to be, nor will it be everything it could be.  Married sex should make porn look very….boring.  If it doesn’t then there is a problem.

Sexuality is like a stew.  There are a lot of components that go into it to make it good.  Each of the components has to be understood in order for it to work properly.

• Emotions
• Spirituality
• Physical
• Mental/Intellectual

Now, keep following, o.k.?I am married to a man that thinks like an engineer.  I think most men do.  Out of those four components of  sexuality there are millions of possible combinations.  For example, some may have a 30%, 50%, 15%, 5% blend where if they feel safe emotionally, and feel spiritually one with their lover, then as long as they are not exhausted they don’t need much “sweet talk” to get them in the mood.  On the other hand someone that is 50%, 40%, 0%, 10% will need a whole different set of circumstances and triggers.

Generally men do not need as much of the emotional/spiritual stimulation to get into it sexually…BUT I do believe that with these things sex is much more satisfying for both men and women.

The only way you are going to know which combination your spouse is  is to communicate  in a loving way.  Allow your spouse to tell you what he/she needs and provide  a safe environment to explore their sexuality as well as sensuality.  Understand that what to you may be a safe environment may not feel safe for them.

I tend to overwhelm Marc.   I don’t mean to but I do.  If I am not careful I create an environment that is definitely not safe nor comfortable for him…and that is no fun for either of us.  The trick is to be myself while honoring his comfort zone.  With us that is not an easy task.

The Bible says that Abraham knew his wife when he had sex with her.   I don’t think that it is just a coincidence. Most people want to be known and loved for the unique qualities they bring to the relationship.  I want Marc to know me.  Not just who he thinks I am after 28 years of being together…but who I really am.  Inside.  What are my fears? My hopes? My dreams? My regrets?

Spend some time being transparent with each other as a couple.  Risk being vulnerable, and risk getting hurt.  Give your spouse your undivided attention.  And if you haven’t done that in awhile be prepared to be met with skepticism.

I would suggest that you talk about boundaries and comfort zones.

More later….

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