Remember Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll?
I remember it in the early part of our relationship and the first years of our marriage. Now I have prescription drugs & can’t go for a roll… Marye & I have had problems with sex in our marriage. Marye’s problem was I didn’t desire to have sex more than once or twice a month. My problem was I had serious hangups with sex. I grew up with the French Catholic mother. She told me how sex was dirty, and wrong. It was something like “Don’t let anyone mess with you sexually, or it might turn black & fall off!” Okay, the last phrase may have never been spoken, but something bad would happen. To a teenage boy in the 1970’s, that would be really bad!
I didn’t think I had a problem. But I had become a “refuser.” It wasn’t like I was trying to hurt her and it wasn’t intentional. I just thought more than twice a month was not normal. It caused alot of emotional pain for Marye. She ended up thinking she wasn’t attractive, when the truth is she is drop dead gorgeous. It scarred her self esteem, and more.
Marye had sought counsel from Pastors and their wives. It was like “do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.” Keep the house cleaner. Make sure you were beautiful when Marc gets home after work. No, WRONG! This only caused more hurt, because it didn’t work.
About 3 1/2 years ago, Marye had enough and the problems with our sex life were the biggest in our marriage, ever. We had a great marriage. Our oldest two kids felt they could never have as good a marriage as us. But this was exploding into late into the night, confrontational, intense conversation. We were both on the edge constantly. I didn’t know if we would have a blow up or the cold shoulder when I got home. We got professional counseling for six months every Monday morning at 10:00 am. Those were very emotional times and I was forced to come out of my comfort zone. From having normal conversations with Marye about sex to talking dirty to her. We found an agreeable compromise for how often we were going to make love. And we were working things out.
Life was good! That changed around June 30th 2007. My health changed and I was in incredible pain. I also became suicidally depressed a few months later. I had gone from the best physical shape in my life to dependent on crutches and a wheelchair.
Did I mention I lost my driving privilege, and became more and more dependent on Marye? Then came the prescription drugs. Then the side effects of the medicines crippled my libido. I also get so exhausted that I drop off to sleep. This has been difficult, I want to but alot of times I can’t. I try not to get frustrated, but it isn’t what I have in my mind. most evenings I pass out when I put my two youngest sons to bed at night. I can’t be woken up, from what Matthew and Marye tell me the next morning after we get up to face the new day.
I look forward to us some day having our sex life back. The doctors have to figure out what is wrong with me medically. And then treat it in such a way it doesn’t destroy our love life.
This is not the way I want it to be.
Bring me to the new days of Sex, Blogs, & Lock and Load.
Image:Morguefile
Tags: , Health and sex, refusers, sexual problems in marriage, sexual refusalPOSTED IN: About Us
7 opinions for Remember Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll?
David
Oct 7, 2008 at 9:09 am
My heart goes out to ya. I’ve been in a similar sort of situation - purely psychosomatic - off and on for a bit. I think the result of the wife’s EA sometime back and some things not getting closure/resolution in regards to that.
In your case, you mentioned the once a month or so frequency - has it always been like that? You’ll have to answer the questions yourself - does the frequency only include those times where you actually do it, or does it include those times of thinking about it - but not acting on it - I thinking ‘Jake Lamotta ( the Boxer ) Syndrome.
Could your more recent spate of physical ailments have taken the role of ‘excuse maker’ in regards to your sex life. Not meaning that the ailments are there in every way, but I recall hearing, that despite intense physical pain - nearly to the point of being bound in a wheelchair - JFK had a voracious appetite for …well, you know.
There are a lot of possibilities and therefore, a lot of possible solutions.
cheers,
David
Oct 7, 2008 at 9:10 am
BTW, I think the photo could be Steve Marriott.
cheers,
Marc Audet
Oct 7, 2008 at 10:42 am
David,
For about fifteen years (1990-2005) we made love a couple times a week and in ‘06-June ‘07 we increased frequency to twice to three times a week. That was an agreed upon compromise we agreed to and it was great! It has gone back down to twice a month and I and having ED. Not maintaining the erection until I orgasm.
Once Marye has, I lose it. It bothers her because I don’t get the pleasure out of it. It doesn’t bother me emotionally, because it isn’t every time we make love that it happens. If it is psycho-somatic it is buried deep. I don’t believe it to be. Several of my meds have the side effects of sexual dysfunctions.
Were you referring to FDR & not JFK. JFK wasn’t confined to a wheelchair, whereas FDR was from the polio, I think is what I remember.
I don’t think it is an excuse maker and we have discussed that, recently, and Ihave thought & prayed about it.
I’m not sure who in the picture.
David
Oct 9, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I see. So it is the meds, then. I suppose you’ve spoken with the doctors about it and they’ve bot been able to help, have they?
Yes…I was referring to Jack Kennedy. Maybe not everyone was aware of the crippling back pain he suffered as a naval officer aboard a WWII PT Boat - or that was reportedly what had happened. They went to lengths to keep it from the media of the day, or so I’ve heard.
Marc Audet
Oct 9, 2008 at 7:21 pm
The drugs keep changing. Types and dosages.
The choice is be pain free and be able to be functional and my have the fatigue and lower libido and pray I maintain through the lovemaking and orgasm. Like last night or be in tremendous pain,
When I am there it is at least a level 5 pain and it will climb to a level 8 or 9, suffer exhaustion and fatigue and not be able to do it. I think I’ll see if I can get the little blue pills to help, That reminds me I have to go online & order refill on some of my meds.
Blessings.
David
Oct 12, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I’m surprized under the circumstances, you manage it at all - to function with that kind of pain.
Is the pain originating from the spinal canal? Just wondering.
Cheers,
Marc Audet
Oct 13, 2008 at 4:50 pm
If It wasn’t for God being in control of this situation and my life as a whole. I don’t think I would be functioning.
Yes, one problem is spinal stenosis where openings for the spinal cord are closing. I also have neuropathy in my legs, with intense pain that won’t go away.
I am blessed to be functioning in daily life and being alert (x4) i.e. mentally coherent. Most people might possibly resemble zombies and be totally out of it. But God is Good (ALL THE TIME)
and his mercies are new every morning.
The medicines and their dosages would have most people out of it mentally and sometimes physically.
I do sometimes succumb to the fatigue and exhaustion as well as the drowsiness side effects.
Thanks for the question.
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