Porn is Not Just a Guy Thing
I am constantly amazed by the number of women who are steadfastly against pornography and yet they are involved with what I term “Chick Porn”. Honestly, I don’t get it.
Pornography….the naked 18 year olds (with breast enhancements and lots of airbrush and computer generated fixes) in gymnastic poses is, by most people’s ethics, a detriment to a committed relationship. No real woman can live up to those nubile young girls, and fulfill her man’s fantasy in quite the same way, no matter how much she tries. Men get excited based on fantasy rather than reality and eventually it can cause big problems. Being visual creatures those images are etched on their brains and pop up at all the wrong moments.
But…..women do the same thing with romance novels…even Christian romance novels. Come on, those guys? Never happen. They are as fake as a porn star’s boobs. They always have brooding eyes, and full lips…their noses are never encrusted with the residue of the virus they picked up at work and they never make rude noises at inappropriate moments.
Their brooding eyes are never fixated on a sports event and their full lips never say hurtful things. They say suave and romantic things rather than, “So, ya wanna do it?” Their muscles ripple in their tanned chests and they wash dishes.
Personally, I don’t think a woman should expect her husband to act like a guy in a romance novel until she is prepared to act like a nympho on “Nymphos Gone Wild XIX“.
I have been told by many women that I am wrong, so if you leave a comment and say, “I disagree “you are not going ot hurt my feelings..but before you do that…think about this…
Do those romantic scenes make you sigh or are they bland and boring? Because if they don’t seem bland and boring..if there is just one iota of “Gee, I wish Mr. Perfect was like that” then you have fallen into a porn mindset.
Men are aroused, for the most part, by the images that they see… most women are aroused by the words that they read. Either way, your emotions and sexuality being manipulated and your spouse is being compared…and usually ends up the loser in the comparison.
There are women that can be affected by pornographic images, I am one of them. I have to be very careful because I am very visual..But for us it is a double whammy because we also need to be that much more careful with the words that we read…or pretty soon we have a whole movie happening in the gray matter.
In my very not so humble opinion..if you are bored in your marriage and your spouse is not everything that you think he/she should be…spice it up. You make the effort to make it incredible rather than wasting your energy reading porn.
And guys…seriously..Most women respond to love letters and light erotica (that YOU have written to HER, not some scummy book) the way that most men would respond if their wives sent them a phone image of herself wearing thigh high fishnets and a bustier…
And …ladies…ummmm…the phone image thing? Not a bad idea.
Keep it hot.
Image: morguefile
Tags: marriage, men and porn, porn in marriage, romance novels, Spice It Up, women and pornPOSTED IN: Pontification
6 opinions for Porn is Not Just a Guy Thing
Amanda
Sep 25, 2008 at 4:48 am
I agree completely. Books & regular DVD movies can be porn as much as any magazine or something from the XXX store. I, too, am a very visual woman. It’s a real attack on the marriage covenant by appealing to our baser human instincts–be it visual or emotional titillation.
Marye Audet
Sep 25, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Another reason why it is important for couples to understand the need to provide eachother with plenty of eye candy!
Rori Raye
Sep 29, 2008 at 11:52 pm
This is brilliant! When I was writing a romance novel, I read them to learn how - and it’s SO easy to get caught up in the fantasy. so easy to compare your marriage to the glory in your head.
The thing is, if you allow yourself to experience what’s happening in the moment - even with a man you’ve been with a long, long time who doesn’t quite fit the dark brooding type fantasy model - it can come alive in a fantastically surprising way.
I find I go to fantasy when I’m angry with what I have. As soon as I use my own Tools to go into those feelings and come out the other side - everything lightens up (and juices up, too). Thanks for starting this topic - I get a lot of letters from women who are in great pain over their man’s devotion to porn, and am writing quite a bit about it now. Rori
dominique
Sep 30, 2008 at 6:46 pm
You bring up very useful, valid points which may very well apply to a great many people, yet everyone is different, and not all individuals or couples respond in the same way.
Not all porn is used as a substitute or as fantasy whether it be images or words, and comparisons are not necessarily being made.
I discovered my partner liked to look at porn on the internet three years into the relationship. If I hadn’t happened upon it one day, I would still not know to this day that he likes porn, for he was always attentive, loving, and very sexual with me, very much into me and us. We had a really nice relationship even though I knew all along that I was keeping my deeper self from him. I always have and knew no other way out of fear etc., yet still we were really good together. I’m sure he sensed some of this somewhere, but he’s patient and felt that someday I would open to him or not. Porn had nothing to do with any of this.
Finding it though plunged me into deep despair, but I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t about the porn. It was deeper issues that were being triggered by it. It took me three more years of intense inner work using various means along with desire, determination, and dedication that brought me through to the other side.
I came to find out that for him and surely other men as well that porn only stokes the fire of his passion for me, or sometimes it’s just an amusement, as a tease to be reignited at another time. Who doesn’t enjoy being aroused after all. He uses porn as a tool to arouse himself for me, not for use as an empty evacuation or ejaculation. The images are objects of arousal, not figures of desire. Men like my man have a wonderful way of being able to be sexually attracted to nearly any image of a naked woman and not desire them. There is a clear difference in their minds and hearts between momentary eroticism in a picture or even a woman passing on the street or even a stripper in the flesh and the full bodied response, heart and soul included, they have for their beloved. Porn for this kind of man creates a direct connection from eyeballs to penis. There is no stopping along the way. On the other hand when he sees me there is, the brain and the heart. A distinct difference of which he’s well aware. This is something most women cannot fathom. We may or may not fantasize about images we see or words we read, but we can always imagine, feel sometimes all sensations, touch, smell, taste even as if we are there, and we can become caught up in it all and possibly become confused about it all.
For me now that I have healed from my deeper stuff and reconciled myself with porn, I now share it with my man or look at it alone, I find that I can feel all that I just described if I find an image or clip that arouses me, but there is never a comparison, for I’m just feeling what I feel nebulously, not imagining that what I see is part of any of me. What could possibly be better than sex with my man? The real thing could never compare to a two dimensional unreal image, and I know he feels the same.
We’ve been together now for over six years, and though sex has never been boring, it keeps getting better and better. Much has to do with me letting my stuff go and opening up in all ways, body, mind, heart, and spirit. I have also found that men take our lead in this. The more we open to them, the more they will open to us. They find bliss through our hearts. Maybe I’m very lucky in the man I have, but then again so is he. He is my brand of adoring white knight in shining armor, and I am his loving hussy slut ho.
I have written and continue to write extensively about this subject on my blog tinque.blogspot.com. I welcome any and all comments and/or questions.
Marye Audet
Sep 30, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Rori- I think it is important to make your relationship your fantasy
Dominique I know of no longterm relationships that survived ongoing porn. Perhaps yours is different..I still think it is damaging.
Ty
Oct 19, 2008 at 10:37 pm
I agree…. The measure I put to is this… If they made a movie of the book and acted it out exactly, Would it be soft porn and my wife want me to watch it… Good subject…
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