Do You Have a Deal Breaker?
When Marc and I first got married I had a short list in my mind of things that would be deal breakers.
You know, the things that you feel that if they ever happen you are heading for the nearest lawyer? I think everyone has them, at least mentally. If he does xyz I am OUT OF HERE….
It’s funny but over the years I have dealt with almost all of those deal breakers and when they actually happened they weren’t deal breakers at all. They were mountains to climb, challenges to face, problems to over come..but that ’s all.
I finally realized that I don’t have any deal breakers, I only have a strong desire to live the rest of my life with Marc.
The first time I faced a deal breaker event I felt like my insides had been cut out, salted, marinated in jalapeno puree, and then returned to my body…upside down. But as I considered my options I could not imagine not feeling Marc’s hand on my back, or they way he looks at me sometimes. I could not imagine not having him fix me coffee and call me on the phone (when he was working he called or emailed daily, no matter what). Most of all I could not imagine kissing someone else…let alone…you know.
So my choices seemed clear to me. I could walk away and try to start over again or I could hang on and work it out.
I have read alot of information about second marriages. Alot of the time the spouses take the problems from the first marriage right into the second and if they don’t learn to deal with them properly they find themselves in the same cycles. This is not a criticism if you are in your second marriage…not at all…just what I have read.
Anyway I figured that there was no way I was going to stay single ..I very much like having a man in my life…and if I left and found someone else I was going ot have to learn to deal with a whole new set of issues.
My choice was to stay …and push through.
Because I chose to stay when the first deal breaker happened the next time something came up it was less difficult to know that we could work through it…and so on.
When we have issues come up now it is less of a challenge. The decision has been made, we just need to figure out how to make things work.
Every strong marriage I know has faced hardship of some sort. Health issues, infidelity, anger issues, money difficulties, in laws, children, and on and one. They remain strong for one reason and one reason only…
Good marriages are not marriages without problems, they are marriages without deal breakers.
Image:Morguefile
Tags: being married a long time, deal breakers in marriage, overcoming infidelity, overcoming problems, strong marriagesPOSTED IN: Just wondering...
6 opinions for Do You Have a Deal Breaker?
Tamra @ It All Started With a Kiss
Aug 29, 2008 at 7:54 am
I always told him if he cheated, it would be over. That hasn’t been tested (and I don’t think it will) BUT I have come to a different conclusion. I now think I would stay and try to work it out. I can’t imagine how hard that would be… yet there are bigger issues to consider, like the children.
Anyways, when we talked about it, he almost cried, saying that was one of the best illustrations of undeserved grace he could think of. Further, he said that me saying that did not give him license to stray, as it was like Paul wrote about sinning so grace could abound - No way!
We all need more people who encourage couples to STAY, even when it’s not “fair”. Bless you!
Marye Audet
Aug 29, 2008 at 8:36 am
Thanks Tamara! It is great to see you. I think that as we mature in our marriages we come ot understand the concept of grace more and more…and more…and more! LOL!
Ginger
Aug 29, 2008 at 11:11 am
Physical abuse is a deal breaker.
Marye Audet
Aug 29, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Gner, physical abuse is definitely a deal breaker! I think that emotional/verbal abuse is as well…
Fern R
Sep 2, 2008 at 12:25 am
I think there’s always only been one deal breaker for me. I won’t tolerate being physically abused. Okay, there’s another one. If my husband ever abused our as-yet-unborn children, I would leave immediately. Other than that I think I always knew that there is pretty much nothing that could happen that would make me want a divorce.
I’ve been with my husband for almost nine years, and we just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. Our marriage isn’t a “perfect marriage.” There have been a few times when it wasn’t even a “pretty good marriage.” But the thought of going through life without Mick isn’t appealing to me. Even taking into account his faults–and at this point, I have my eyes wide open–the good far outweighs the bad. Even if he cheated on me or gambled away all of our money or developed a drug habit. He’s stuck with me. :-P
Marye Audet
Sep 2, 2008 at 12:27 am
Fern, I think that when violence is introduced then it isn’t a matter of a deal breaker anymore..it is survival. :) Thanks for commenting. I hope your Labor Day was fantastic.
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: