Standing Here with Wooden Spoon in My Hand
And getting ready to stir up a little …umm…compost.
I read the following statement on BlogHer, by the way..you can read the whole shebang by following this link.
The assumption of two parents present and sharing a home. The model used to
be male breadwinner/female domestic servant. Now, women are ‘allowed’ to have economic independence but continue to bear the homemaking burden.
Admittedly, the article was not so much about marriage as it was about taxes, however I am tired of being required to apologize for being happily married to the same opposite sex partner. I am tired of the assumption that the nuclear family no longer exists, that everyone has been divorced at least once, and that everyone is in a blended family. Most of all I am tired of the traditional role of women beingbrowbeaten incessantly by women who really seem to have a bad case of penis envy.
So here, I will say it and you can throw all the crap at me you want..I will just dodge behind my big, bad husband because that is what those of us who are merely female domestic servants do. And we like it. ‘Cause it is FREAKING AWESOME to have someone to fight your battles for ya…Someone with a penis, and testosterone, and muscles.
I am all for knights in shining armor. And I believe in Santa Claus too, in case you are interested.
First of all, hardly ANYONE I know has been divorced. All of my IRL friends are on their first marriages, and most of these people have been married for more than 20 years. We have been married for 28. My pastor and his wife have been HAPPILY married for over 45 years..and they still are all sweetie pie to each-other.
Of the people I do know IRL that are in blended situations, (and I can only think of maybe two? Marc? Can you think of any? ) they are having issues in their marriage and families because they brought the issues from their first marriage into their second and they still don’t have the skills to deal with the problems. The problem now is not only do they have problems but the my kids/your kids situation is adding strain and stress.
Does that mean that I look down my nose at divorced people? Nope, it happens, and it is hard and sad. I am just trying to remind the powers that be that not every person in existence has been divorced.
We have a traditional family, with traditional roles. Well, the roles sort of shifted when Marc got sick, but he is still head of the house and he will always be… because…(oh this is going to be fun!!!!! ) I am submitted to his role as husband in our family. I don’t feel down-trodden, taken advantage of or unappreciated..I just feel like the wife as opposed to being the husband.
Our kids are reasonably well adjusted. Our oldest daughter has been married for over 7 years, and they are not without problems but are working on their problems, successfully. None of our other children are married, all but one are too young, and Chris, who is 23, is busily serving in the Air Force overseas. He has just not found anyone he wants for a wife. He is not ready to commit and he knows it.
Now, that we have discovered that not everyone is divorced let’s look at the next little tidbit, shall we? You know, the female domestic servant part. Yeah.
I never felt, in 28 years, that I was a domestic servant. I have always felt like I was an important part of a team. Marc worked and made an income to the best of his ability and I kept the house a pleasant place to be to the best of mine. We both raise the kids.
Is there something wrong with cleaning, organizing, or preparing meals for your family? Is it somehow a superior lifestyle to rush home from work and throw a meal from Boston Chicken on the table? Or have sandwiches again because you are too tired to cook? I am trying to imagine how I would feel more fulfilled in my role as a woman in doing that rather than leisurely starting a roast chicken in the afternoon, making some rolls to go with it, throwing a pie together and serving it with fresh baby lettuce from my garden. I suppose that I am too brainwashed to see the benefit in the former example.
I have kids that people compliment in public for their behavior. I have a 5 year old that not only can do chores but she can sit still through an entire church service. Quietly. Without drugs.
None of our kids have drug or alcohol problems, and considering Marc and my misspent youth THIS is miracle for which I am grateful.
Maybe all of this lack of weirdness is just pure dumb luck. It could be because I am God’s very favorite. Or it could be because we maintained traditional roles and it paid off. I don’t know. I just know that we are your average 1950s sit-com family living in the 21st century.
So, being home never felt like slavery…I like my kids, I like my house, and I like having the freedom to pursue my interests.
Now, who is the slave?
I must say that if I am nothing more than a domestic servant then women who work are nothing more than wage slaves. No one makes my schedule for me, no one tells me what to do, and I can work when I want, or take a day off if I want. Who is the servant?
Can women please stop putting other women in boxes? Can we just stop labeling ourselves and creating walls? Feminist? Not me. Not now, not ever. I hate what the rabid feminism tag has done to families.
Will I sacrifice for my kids? You bet I will. Will my husband lay down his life for me and the kids? He all ready has in so many ways.
Issues and questions of personal satisfaction are really very self involved, infantile, and immature. Until adults learn to look outward rather than inward their lives are going to be full of mistakes and sadness because they never learned that they were not the center of the universe. Sadly their kids are going to struggle because kids do need to be the center of someone’s universe. Preferably the parents.
Personal satisfaction stems from a job well done. It comes from choosing to be content.
I work hard at my marriage. I am constantly seeking to improve my skills as a wife, as a mom, and even as a concubine (I love that word). Calling me a domestic servant is akin to calling Mother Theresa a candy striper. There is just so much more.
As far as being allowed to have economic independence? My best friend went to work for the first time in many years. She has been married for 32 years? Something like that. She went back to work when her youngest son went into Jr. High I believe.
Anyway. She has all the economic independence that she wants, 40 plus hours a week. There are lots of things she used to enjoy that she can’t do anymore because of her economic independence. I think she preferred being a domestic servant with more free time.
Woman should do what is in their heart to do. What is right for them and their families. Right now, Marc is unable to work much. My writing has stopped being a little hobby and is now the main source of income.
I don’t want to think that I have shifted from being a domestic servant to a wage slave. I prefer to think of it as Marc and I working together as a team, moving toward the same goal.
Getting all the kids out of the house at once so we can make love on the kitchen counter.
Image:Marye Audet
Tags: , divorce, feminism, marriage, remarriage, roles, traditionPOSTED IN: Pontification
9 opinions for Standing Here with Wooden Spoon in My Hand
Tiffany
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:50 pm
AMEN! Preach it sistah friend!
You know…truthfully…as a teen/early twenties…single college girl and young professional…I was all about feminism. No man gonna keep me down and all that stuff.
It wasn’t until I got married (to the RIGHT man this time!)…and got right with God, when I finally saw the beauty in the Biblical role of a woman. I truly believe that a woman’s place is at home, tending to her family……and she should strive for that, to the best of her ability. Obviously, some women are single moms and HAVE to work outside the home…….thats why I say “to the best of her ability”.
Kudos to you for speaking up. From another female domestic servant :-)
The Wife
Aug 14, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Nice to see someone put this into words. I’ve never understood why so many people look down on the decision to be a wife and mother. Once kids are in the mix, someone has to be there for them–what’s so terrible about their own mother wanting to be the one (rather than a minimum-wage-earning employee at a day-care)?
Jonica
Aug 14, 2008 at 10:24 pm
From one Slave to another!!!
You know I was raised on a farm on the eastern shore of maryland. It was not until I came here to live in the city with my mom that I even encountered the idea of a woman working outside the home. And truthfully all I really wanted to do was became a wife and mother. I went to school and met the man of my dreams. On a blind date no less. We married in 2001 and I stayed at home and took care of him. Our marriage has suffered over the years and we have had to deal with me not being able to carry a child to full term. But he still told me to stay at home and make him happy and make myself happy. That is what I have been doing all this time. I do not feel like I am his servant or slave. I am a part of the marriage and we make our descisons together. My friends who are not part of the church do tend to get on my nerves when they question why I stay at home. It’s because I have done as God as stated in the Bible and submitted to my husband as the head but also I am his helpmate. Not his Slave or Servant.
Thanks Marye for saying this. I usually just read but I had to come out of the woodwork and say something.
More power to me that I like to cook, can and store food, quilt and sew, crochet doilies and love my husband and house.
Fern R
Aug 15, 2008 at 3:39 am
This post made me laugh. I work outside of the home (no kiddos yet, so might as well?) but I totally agree with you (is it getting boring to hear me always agreeing?).
I too know very few divorced people. Out of my parents combined seven siblings, only one is divorced. My parents divorced briefly but then remarried each other (without making any step children). Before my Grandma died earlier this year, my grandparents had been married for 56 years! Even among my friends, no one has been divorced or had children out of wedlock. My husband’s best friend has been married for over ten years. Sometimes I think that statistic that says 1 in 2 marriages ends in a divorce is so high because a relatively few people are getting married and divorced repeatedly. :-P
Amanda
Aug 15, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I think it’s a terrible tragedy that the stereotypes alluded to in the ad you cite comes from so many marriages that were NOT only traditional, but ones full of misuse, abuse and adultery. Not that there were not an equal number of (or even more) happy marriages–it’s just that those difficult situations have been proclaimed much more loudly.
True feminism is the right to CHOOSE how a woman wants to live her life–be it in a career, or at home. Anyone who pooh-poohs a traditional lifestyle choice should be gently reminded of that fact.
It must also be said that there are many women who are able to successfully balance careers and family. Before the last five years of my career, I held jobs that allowed me to cook and fully care for my home and husband. Only the last job I had was a high-energy position in a commuting area requiring overtime and travel, which resulted in little more than Sandra Lee-type cuisine and disaster of a home.
Certainly the millions of single mothers (and others who have no choice but to work) do their best to work to support their households and care for their families. These are people that we, as Christians, should do our best to assist; we cannot understand their situations.
Marye Audet
Aug 15, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Amanda I am going to address your comment first. I totally agree with it. My point is that it is tiresome to constantly be pointed out as being unintelligent or goal-less, or downtrodden because of the lifestyle that we have chosen.
Certainly there are women who have been in abusive situations, who have had issues, and divorce thrust upon them, but generally these are not hte ones that are telling me how unenlightened I am. Having had a large women’s ministry for a long period of time I have heard, prayed, and counseled about nearly everything. And there are women who are called to do both and have the Provision to do so…I would prefer, though, that the media stop saying that my family does not exist! That it is an impossibility, that a log term marriage is no longer the social norm. Thank you Amanda, for commenting so that I could clarify.
Everyone else….Thanks for the comments!!!! :)
coffeecupkat
Aug 18, 2008 at 8:43 am
I’m a payroll mama, by choice now, but by necessity for most of my 17 years of marriage. Most of my IRL friends are, as you mention, still on their first marriage, and many are living in a traditional breadwinner/homemaker sitch.
It’s a family model that isn’t going to go away, because it still works.
Are there other models that work? Prolly. Mine isn’t doing too badly. ;)
And FWIW, I do appreciate the feeling that you are being asked to apologize for being happy in your chosen model. At our former church, I was about the only payroll mama in our “social circle” and the homemaker mamas could be REALLY insensitive at times.
What really scares me in this debate is the spiritual consequences. Being made to feel like a defective Christian mom wasn’t the main reason we left that church, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t figure in.
As much as I appreciate that the mainstream media is trying to convince everyone that traditional family model is extinct (and I fully agree with you that they do!), I fear the Christian subculture is alienating many women, and many families, by subtly (or not so subtly) implying that other models–even ones where both parents are actively trying hard to follow Christ–are spiritually inferior.
I think ultimately, the need to be gracious and kind to each other, trumps our need to defend our choices to those hostile to them. Because often, I think that hostility stems from … the need to defend their own different choices.
I fail at this DAILY (in fact, I may be failing in this comment, but that is a form of recursive logic that makes my head hurt). I do know that the more I place my trust in a relationship with my redeemer to make me “okay,” the less I need to snap back when others are determined to “rescue” me from my situation, whether I want rescuing or not. :)
Marye Audet
Aug 18, 2008 at 9:40 am
Coffee-Bingo! One of our freedoms in Christ is to allow ourselves to be led by the Spirit rather than our peers. Great insights, thanks so much for posting!
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