Marriage Actually - An honest look at marriage

When He Has a Headache Part 3

by Marye Audet on July 31st, 2008

Going to counseling was painful.  I think we were both very uncomfortable..at least until we met with the counselor.  You see, he looked like Napoleon Dynamite.  Now, I ask you, how would YOU feel discussing your sex life with Napoleon Dynamite?

Hey, Bro, give me some of your tots.

There are a lot of things that I just don’t remember about counseling.  I tend to be very introspective and I blurt things out easily.  Although I am very introverted and shy (shut up, yes I am) I can talk easily about deep things.  My problem is that I am scared stiff of small talk.  I can’t do it.  So I find myself, in very formal social situations asking people what their views are on using child labor for harvesting cotton in Uzbekistan.  Of course they look at me like I am insane and sidle over closer to the bar.  This tendency carries over and I am much more comfortable talking about my inner conflicts and intimate issues with Marc than I am talking about the weather, or how my day was.  Honestly, I think small talk is a waste of precious time.  Rather than talking you could be making love, right?

That was one of the things that we discussed.  My inability to chat about light things and Marc’s inability to say “I like it when you….”

HA! If you think I am going to finish that sentence forget it.  My oldest daughter (married, and yes, she knows we have sex) reads this blog.

Marc had so much difficulty discussing S.E.X. that I am the one that has enlightened our children about the subject when it was time.  We have 3 girls and 5 boys.  I always thought that I would discuss Olivia Ovum and he could discuss Sammy Sperm but no… and if you are a woman you have not lived until you have tried to matter-of-factly discuss wet dreams, masturbation,  and white socks with  your son…without giggling.

All in all it was more difficult (note:I did not say harder) for him to talk to the counselor than it was for me.

Until we got to the part about what I would like.  See, I was told many times as I grew up that I was self involved, selfish, thought of no one else…and so I over compensate for those lies that were planted in me so early.  I don’t live for myself, I live for those around me.  When Napoleon asked me what I wanted my answer was, a very intelligent….

“uh…ehm…..uh…”

My own goals, besides hours of glorious sex, were unclear.  Did I want him to do something in particular? Yeah..I wanted him to go into testosterone overdrive at the first glimpse of my hot, hot self.  I wanted him to chase me like a 14 year old on viagra.  As far as specifics I had honestly not thought about it.  And that is when I realized that this was not just about me sexually, my physical needs.  It was deep rooted, emotional….raw emotion.  Sex for me validates who I am, my desirability, and maybe, just maybe it gives me the feeling of being in control.

On the other hand, Marc was raised by a very controlling woman (yes you were, too.). Allowing a woman to have any sort of control over him, allowing himself to be vulnerable, was not on his to do list.  Both of us were reacting from our pasts rather than responding to each other in the present.

The counselor said something to Marc that made a lot of sense to me.  He said that a lot of times we are taught that something is bad, when it may not be.  Our initial discomfort stems not from OUR conscience but from those things were were told as kids.  Like “never let anyone touch you there, it is dirty.”  Napoleon Dynamite suggested that Marc try something, and push past his initial discomfort with it.  If he tried it three times and still felt it was wrong then we would just not do it.

Now, I am not talking about porn here.  We have a porn free house…We are really VERY conservative.  And remember, we are old.  Marc had difficulty making love with the lights on, and being visual I LIKE the lights on.  Other things that are not wild and over the top…but that he had trouble with because of things he believed.  One of the problems was, as I mentioned last time, he had for all intents and purposes blinded himself to sexually stimulating things.  He just did not “see them”.

That seems like a great idea.  Teach your son to be like Job and turn his eyes away from lust inducing things…but what is going to happen when he is married and he needs to visually appreciate his wife?  How does he suddenly reprogram his brain?

One of the things I was supposed to do was give him more visual experiences.  Ouch.  When I was 28 and a size 4/6 he would not look at me naked.  Now, at nearly 50, and no longer a 4/6 I am supposed to risk rejection by spinning tassels to the beat  of Heatwave?

I don’t think so.  Wait! Does that mean that the problem is not all him?

More later….

Image:Morguefile 

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POSTED IN: Resolving Conflict