When He Has a Headache:Part 2
I really wanted to take a break for the weekend and think about what I wanted to say next…after part one.
It was always amazing to me that once you started talking about the fact that you were in the situation of being the high drive wife with a low drive husband there really were other women out there that were in the same boat..or worse. I started hearing terms like sexless marriage, married celibate…and those terms absolutely amazed me.
I just always assumed that all men wanted sex as much as possible. As a teen, knowing that I had an extremely high sex drive, I always figured that the man I married was gonna have a goofy smile on his face all the time.
Things were pretty normal for us at first although I realized pretty quickly that my drive was actually overdrive, while he stayed in third gear. When we had been married a little over 7 years he got involved with someone…and was ready to leave me for her. (more about this some other time) Anyway, when that was resolved it seemed that he began to visually shut down. He stopped looking at me, or maybe he stopped before that? Things began to be mundane.
I had a gut feeling that he was somehow punishing himself for becoming involved with her…but in the process I was suffering. I wondered if he was trying to force me into an affair just by allowing my needs to become overwhelming. I tried to talk to him several times about it but we never got very far into the conversation when it got shut down.
So it became a quiet matter of prayer for me. Every night while I was getting ready for bed I would literally lay my sex life downon the altar. “Lord, if You allow it to happen thank you…and if not..it is a sacrifice to You.”
Talk about dependence on God! Humbling yourself? Yeah.
We went through financial issues and I was unable to dress well, or get my hair done, and sometimes I was not able to afford makeup. I was a stay at home mom and it was a constant fight for me to feel attractive…cherished…loved…That season went on for fifteen years or so.
One night as I was praying and crying after a rejection I realized that Marc was no more intimate with God than he was with me…You see, intimacy requires the ability to open yourself up and be vulnerable. All the while I thought he had a deep walk with the Lord…he was holding a part of himself back.. Once I realized that I began to attack that wall with prayer and vowed that I would do what it took to see that wall come down in his life….
And then one day I knew it was time to begin to work on the wall. Even if it hurt I had to tell him that what was happening was not acceptable. For fifteen years I had prayed and fasted, like Esther I guess, waiting for the right moment. Finally it was here.
Wow. Ouch. It was bad. For weeks. I so wanted to backdown and just let things go on as before..I mean, everyone had told me I wanted too much..I had a great husband, an awesome marriage…we were great friends…who needs lots of passionate sex?
Me.
I did not back down. Sometimes I pulled back. Sometimes I pushed forward. I spent a lot of time in prayer and fasting those weeks.
When I asked for prayer on a chat board I was on several women accused me of lust…sigh… some told me just to get over it or not think about it..some told me I was lucky..THAT was painful. I had known them for years. I wanted somewhere where I could share openly and honestly and asked for prayer.
I find that with many people, Christian or not, if you are a woman that is being neglected by her husband sexually then there is little sympathy, compassion, or understanding. It is a bit like a bunch of hens pecking at a wounded hen…If you ever have had chickens you know exactly what I mean. Somehow it is your fault that he doesn’t want you..and no one wants any of those cooties that you may be carrying. It is oddly as I suppose leprosy to be…lonely, solitary, and unyielding.
It seems that if a husband is not getting sex it is because..you know..women are just like that…but if a wife is not getting it then it must be her fault somehow.
So I learned to not tell anyone what was going on with me. A few very close friends that I trusted to pray…but that was all. I told someone that I felt like a Maserati that was owned by an old man that only drove it to the mailbox and back, never out of first gear.
I finally came to the end of my rope after a particularly painful email from Marc and I decided that if this was what he wanted then we were getting separate bedrooms because I could NOT keep sleeping next to him, crying myself to sleep.
It was about then that he agreed that we seek counseling.
So, if you are dealing with this…have you been to counseling? Has your mate admitted there is a problem? Do you have anyone you can talk to?
More later… :)
Tags: celibacy in mariage, different sex drives, marital struggles, sexless marriage, wivesPOSTED IN: About Us, Resolving Conflict
10 opinions for When He Has a Headache:Part 2
Holly
Jul 29, 2008 at 9:06 am
It’s been a headache and a half just trying to get him to admit that it’s okay to go to counseling (It’s very frowned upon in his line of work). I’m hoping we can get joint counseling soon. He has however admitted that he’s not that interested in sex, which other people would have you think that he’s cheating or something.
It makes it very frustrating trying to talk to people who are supposed to be your support system when they feel that way. So, no, I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.
maryeaudet
Jul 29, 2008 at 9:42 am
{[Holly}}}
You know, if you just want to vent, feel free to email me at maryeaudetATgmailDOTcom
That is a common misconception, that he is cheating or into porn..but not always the case. There are emotional issues, hormonal issues and on and on..
If he has been able to admit it then you are actually moving in a positive direction.
Holly
Jul 29, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Thanks Marye, I know it’s moving in the right direction it’s just incredibly hard to not whine about it at times. Thanks for the e-mail offer, I’ll keep it in mind.
maryeaudet
Jul 29, 2008 at 11:12 pm
having feelings, hurting, and talking are not whining.
Amanda
Jul 30, 2008 at 5:16 am
A Christian lady friend of mine often says, “If all things remain the same, then all things remain the same.” That is what came to mind when I read about you knowing when you had to start breaking down that wall.
I also can relate to not sharing this with women friends–it’s a very personal thing that can only be discussed with certain people–not everyone can understand it, especially when they’ve never been rejected in this way.
I’ve often also wondered if my husband is trying to push me into an affair in some way–just waiting for ME to reject HIM. That’s what the enemy is trying to tell him, anyway, isn’t it? And believe me, I’ve thought of it… but that can never be a blessing.
maryeaudet
Jul 30, 2008 at 7:47 am
You are spot on Amanda, I think it is tied up in rejection in an odd way…
David
Sep 11, 2008 at 9:51 am
I have some commonalities in this with your husband. I also, have lost a lot of ‘desire’ sexually speaking in regards to my wife. She and I’d been married for 12 years - two wonderful kids, when she became emotionally involved with a co-worker and, I think the situation for me has been worsened by not really knowing if the emotional affair had actually gone physical at some point - not really having a good closure one way or the other.
Initially, the sex increased dramatically, but as time wore on and I began to understand the implications of her ‘affair’ the lack of closure, it has had a very detrimental impact of our love life - the intimacy not there and I cant really tell if it is from her, me or a combination.
Marye Audet
Sep 11, 2008 at 10:18 am
I am so sorry, David. It sounds like maybe you need to choose to get past it if you marriage is to continue? Sometimes when we are very hurt we close off parts of ourselves and pull away from our spouse. In turn they pull away from us and the cycle continues.
The only way to stop it is to choose to love, choose to forgive and choose to move on. Hard but very do-able.
Remember, successful marriages aren’t those that are perfect, or without problems, they are those where each spouse chose to work through it and stay put.
I will be praying for you.
David
Sep 11, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Thank you kindly for the reply and yes, I do know that in the end, I will have to turn, face North ( or is it West? ) and march on, doing the best for my spouse and family, regardless of anything else. I do know that, but it is difficult, as you said.
When a woman says, “…no, but if you keep asking you will push me into an affair.” are they not unknowingly sending you a signal of their possible intents? - Is this something that needs to be unearthed, exposed ? Is it a danger to lie dormant, despite the great nastiness that comes out when attempting to do so, pay now or pay dearly later.
Or is it something that I should just let go of?
I’ve often wondered that its not that we can’t handle knowing the truth of where it actually went, but that - especially with ‘good-girls’ - they can’t handle knowing that we know and that the truth will never be known.
Marye Audet
Sep 11, 2008 at 12:14 pm
David, I found that there is some things I really would rather not know. Take her at her word, choose to go on. If you have a relationship with Jesus Christ go to Him for healing and comfort, if not…It would be good if you considered it..I don;t know how people get through these things without His help.
I may use your comment as a jumping off post a little later..must hit the grocery store now..I am continuing to pray.. :)
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: