When He Has a Headache
When Marc posted about our unbalanced sexual drives I was surprised, but I suppose I should not have been.
He has always been awesome about being straight-forward about the things we have been through. One of the things we talked about when discussing taking on this co-co-blogging gig is that if we did it we would be committed to honesty and transparency.
So, this is a difficult subject but we are tackling it. I want you to know that Marc and I have a wonderful relationship. When we share our issues it is with the hope that someone will benefit by it. Should you find yourself siding with one or the other of us because of your own issues please take a deep breath and realize that no one is perfect and everyone has their issues. We are one. We have no sides. We ask that you do not either.
The truth is that the media would have you believe that men are randy and ready all the time. I think that this is as much as a disservice to men as it is to women. Let’s face it, all of our bodies work differently and if manliness is defined by how many times a week (or day) he tangoes toe to toe…well that is just wrong.
For a woman, whose drive is higher than her husband’s there is a special agony. Am I not pretty enough? Have I gained weight? What am I doing wrong? Do I smell bad? Is he having an affair, looking at porn, gay?
You see, the media shows us that sexuality is power. A certain look is beautiful and beauty means that every male wants you in his bed for at least an hour.
I tried everything to get Marc to notice me. Lingerie, no lingerie, skirts, tight jeans, low cut tops…he would not even glance my way when I was changing clothes in the same room… over a period of time I began to realize it was because I was truly ugly and unlovable. I believed that lie from the pit of hell for years. Over fifteen years to be exact.
I knew women who were heavier than I, who seemed no more attractive than I, who were always complaining about their husband’s inability to keep his hands off them. They complained about the amount of sex they were required to have.
To tell you the truth I wanted to slap them.
I sought counseling with Titus 2 women at church, women whose marriages I respected and whose Christian maturity I admired. The answer was always the same. A new night gown, a little dance, be more aggressive. Be more adventurous.
How can you explain to someone who doesn’t understand what it feels like to try to kiss your husband passionately and have him pull away? And then wipe his mouth? To snuggle up to him, completely naked and have him give you a quick kiss and a good night pat on your arm?
Obviously we had sex, we have eight children. But it was the dark room, once a week, predictable married sex and I longed for passion. I wanted to see that look in his eyes and know that I was hot…at least to him. I wanted him to come home from work and throw me across the kitchen counter….I wanted him to write me steamy emails….
And eventually, I felt myself teetering on the edge. One day I realized that I wanted ANYONE to respond to me that way and I didn’t care who it was. I wanted to feel like a woman, not a wife, and not a mom…certainly not a grandmom.
Can anyone identify with this? I know that there are women who are dealing with these same emotions. How are you coping? Are you coping?
I am going to stop here for now, and write more next time…This is still a little raw for me emotionally.
Image:Marye Audet
Tags: celibacy in marriage, different sex drives, low sex drive, sexless marriages, when he has a headachePOSTED IN: Resolving Conflict
12 opinions for When He Has a Headache
Phil
Jul 25, 2008 at 9:25 pm
It sounds like my wife and I in reverse. Marye you describe the exact reactions I get from my wife.
Phil
Jul 25, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Cont. She won’t open up and give me any advise to help her. It is becoming a serious problem for us.
maryeaudet
Jul 25, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Phil, I hope you will keep reading over the next few days. There are things you can do to help you. One of them that I highly suggest is to check out the sidebar under MArriage help..all the way at the bottom..there is a link to themarriagebed.com I think you will find many people there that are dealing with the same issues, both men and women. SOme have overcome and others are still working on it…There is always hope as long as you don;t allow bitterness to creep in. Praying for you.
Holly
Jul 28, 2008 at 9:50 am
I know exactly how it feels to get to the point you want anyone to look at/talk to you ‘that way’
I can’t say I’m coping well at all. I’m currently in therapy to try and learn to cope.
maryeaudet
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:14 am
Holly,
since I am a bit past this point I hope that something I can say will help…I am going to continue this a bit later today.. :)
Praying for you! {{{{Holly}}}}}
Amanda
Jul 28, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Wow–what a request for honesty here. It’s difficult to admit that I’m in the very same boat. Nothing I do works, and if I practically attack my husband in the middle of the night when I’ve truly lost my mind I might get it once a year. Seriously. That, paired with struggling with infertility… you can imagine.
I’ve gone through most of the emotions you describe–it’s hard to really know what to do. Honest conversations don’t do much, and the advice from others is just as you describe. I don’t think there’s much else I can do but pray.
Love the marriage bed site; I’ve visited it occasionally for a few years now, and recommended it to a number of other christian couples.
maryeaudet
Jul 28, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Amanda…it is difficult and prayer is always my first choice..but there are other things that I have found that help alot, if for nothing else than to keep your self esteem intact. :)
Amanda
Jul 28, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Thanks, Marye.
I consider myself fortunate that my self-esteem is relatively okay given the circumstances. I’m aware that it’s not that he’s disgusted by me but dealing with stress and depression issues.
I know that I’m attractive and still “got it”–I do get quite a bit of attention from men everywhere I go, which always shocks me because I don’t look for it or invite it in any way (I dress modestly though carefully, always keep hair & makeup done, etc).
While it’s nice to be admired, it’s also confusing and certainly something that requires I stay close to God.
Holly
Jul 28, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Thanks Marye and I wanted to add hugs and thoughts for Amanda as we struggle with infertility as well /end hijack, sorry!
Amanda
Jul 28, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Thanks, Holly.
maryeaudet
Jul 28, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Amanda- God is building strength in you as well as other Fruit!
Holly, Hijack away, I’m good. :)
When He Has a Headache:Part 2
Jul 28, 2008 at 7:34 pm
[…] I really wanted to take a break for the weekend and think about what I wanted to say next…after part one. […]
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