Say What?
What you say to your spouse and how you say it, don’t always come across as what you mean. Words are important in your marriage. They are one of the ways I express to Marye that I love her.
Communications are important. Saying what you mean, clearly , so your spouse understands completely is a different. There are times when I have said one thing, and at a later time, Marye has come to me and asked me why I said something that was hurtful. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful. It wasn’t even bringing up a problem. But, that’s not how my beautiful wife took what I said though. Sometimes what I said was just misunderstood. I don’t speak between the lines and sometimes a spouse will listen between them.
“The power of life and death are in the tongue.” It could be about the lasagna she made, or about how his driving is different today. Now you have a problem because you said the wrong thing. What now? Start trying to dig your way out? Pull your foot out of your mouth? Perhaps, but I have learned over the past twenty-eight years to be careful how I speak with Marye. This is the most important relationship you have on this earth, after God, and sometimes we have to make the extra effort to be careful to engage our brains before opening our mouth.
Are you speaking life in your marriage or is venom spitting out and poisoning your marriage? Were there things that happened in your wife’s childhood that can cause what you said to be understood the way her mom meant those same words? Have you said the same thing before and it caused a rift in your relationship?
Words are one thing you CAN’T take back. After you blurt them out in frustration or anger. You can’t hit the rewind button and edit. The hurt those words caused may always be there. They may have just broken a trust. If you can’t trust the closest person in your life who can you trust?
Blessings….
POSTED IN: Communication
8 opinions for Say What?
Say What? Just Write It!
Jul 22, 2008 at 6:44 am
[…] of the (many) things I do appreciate about Marc is that he has worked hard to overcome the language barrier between […]
Amanda
Jul 24, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Great article. It’s so true–my husband and I have been married almost 10 years and I still haven’t figured out how to talk to him in a way that will avoid arguments. It’s terribly difficult!
I’d love to see some suggested tips!
marcaudet
Jul 24, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Amanda,
I guess the best one I can give is Prevention. Like the old saying “An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.” It takes practice and work to avoid all misunderstandings. ALOT!
If he says something your not sure of, ask him if you understood him correctly. Then unload! Just kidding.
If we ask then, we can avoid the bigger problem and altercations the tend to occur because we let something wrongly taken to brew and fester.
Years ago there used to be an advertising campaign for Fram oil filters. Whether it was the print ad or TV commercial, Here was the mechanic holding the FRAM oil filter saying, “You can pay me now, or you can pay me later.” with the broken down car in the background.
Thanks for the comment. Hope this helps.
maryeaudet
Jul 24, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I agree. I think one of the things that really helped us was learning to repeat back what we felt we had misunderstood.
That helped alot. It was amazing how much I heard that he did not say! I grew up in a very critical home and it is easy for me to feel defensive. Marc’s mom was a little on the controlling side and it is easy for him to feel that I am trying to control him. Since we know these things we have learned to be aware of our OWN responses. :)
Amanda
Jul 24, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Great advice, Marc and Mary–many thanks to you both.
maryeaudet
Jul 24, 2008 at 9:13 pm
:) I still want to know how to have a Redneck party. :D
Amanda
Jul 25, 2008 at 8:37 am
Oh, that’s easy! Just don’t mow the lawn for a few days, throw an old couch into the yard, wear your best housecoat, and grill over a fire made in a grocery cart
.
maryeaudet
Jul 25, 2008 at 9:17 am
LOL Amanda you crack me up.
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