Marriage Actually - An honest look at marriage

Independence vs. Marriage

by Bald Man on June 23rd, 2008

In our church meeting last night we were reading First Corinthians. It’s a long letter, and in one section the author, Paul, gives some advice about marriage. Some of what he says is a bit odd if for no other reason than its distant context. Sex, for example, was a common aspect of worship in the pagan temples of ancient Corinth. It was also an era of arranged marriages and betrothals, an era of high patriarchy, and an era in which slavery and indentured servitude were common and accepted. It was very different from modern, Western culture.

Still there is a section at the end that caught my attention. Paul is unabashedly urging the members of the church not to marry. Here’s an excerpt:

And I want you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the things of the world, how to please his wife, and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, to be holy both in body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world, how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place a limitation on you, but so that without distraction you may give notable and constant service to the Lord.

There is a reality acknowledged here that tends to be forgotten, namely that marriage requires two people to come to one decision about major life choices. Paul’s religious application aside, these words remind us that a marriage consists of two independent people. When two people get married there is no magic that suddenly causes them to desire the same things, to have the same life goals. Likewise, there is no magic that causes a married couple to continually mature and change in ways that keep them together.

No, the reality is there will always be a tension. Throughout a marriage, the desires of each individual will pull against the commitment to a unified life expressed by the marriage vows. In little ways and big, each spouse will be faced with a choice many times over throughout his or her marriage: Will I choose my independence or will I choose my marriage?

This is not to say that the two choices will always run counter to one another. There will be times when the path of individual growth runs parallel to the path of marriage. Those times should be cherished, for they give the sensation of soaring as you mature both individually and as a couple. But it is not always thus.

Nor do I mean that one must always sacrifice his - or more commonly her - individual growth for the other’s individual growth. No, that is domination and subjugation, and they have no part in marriage. Rather, I am referring to “mutual submission,” if I may use another expression from the New Testament, where each spouse submits his or her independent will to the mutual marriage commitment.

It is as if marriage brings a third entity into existence. When two people marry, they create a third thing, the marriage itself. In order to live and grow and thrive, the marriage must be fed by each spouse. Each one must regularly pour something of him or herself into the marriage, so that the marriage, acting as a reservoir, can overflow and return those resources when needed. The flow through the marriage cannot for any length of time be one way, instead each spouse must add to it by renewing their commitment to it and submitting their independence to it.

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POSTED IN: Marriage Books, Pontification