Marriage Actually - An honest look at marriage

California and Marriage - 3 Tips for Talking

by Bald Man on May 21st, 2008

I’m sure you’ve probably heard about the California Supreme Court’s decision to overturn two state laws banning gay marriage. I certainly have. I subscribe to a few RSS feeds related to marriage, and my reader has been swamped with the news and resulting commentary.

Those of you who have been around for a while will no doubt have noticed that Kerri and I have stayed out of these waters until now. That’s been intentional. I can’t think of a more controversial topic being discussed today, and I am not settled in my own mind on a number of the related issues. Furthermore, too much of the “discussion” coming from both sides falls somewhere between poorly thought through and motivated by fear and spite. I don’t want to add weight to either of those piles.

In the last couple months, however, I have found myself in two conversations where I was asked directly where I stood. I took those occasions as opportunities to practice the art of avoiding a direct answer, just in case I should ever decide to run for office. (It helps when you don’t yet have a direct answer to give.)

Don’t think you, Intrepid Readers, are going to get any special treatment! I’m still not sure where I stand on much of the topic; and I still don’t want to add noise to an already crowded table. Nevertheless, I have appreciated the recent opportunities to think about the issue, and so in that vein, I would like to offer the following points for consideration. If you are like me and undecided, perhaps these points will help you in your deliberations. If you are someone who has made up your mind, perhaps you will consider these points when you converse with those who are undecided or who have arrived at a different conclusion than you.

Don’t exaggerate
When you feel passionate about something, it’s easy to enter the realm of hyperbole. When you’re telling your spouse about how much you love them, that’s appropriate. When you’re having this conversation, it isn’t. We should avoid “slippery slope” fear-mongering. We should be accurate and concise with both quantitative facts and qualitative anecdotes. If we must be generous, we ought to be generous toward those with whom we disagree, giving them the benefit of any doubts.

Avoid reductionism
I love Ockham’s Razor, but there is a difference between a preference for simple solutions and a reductionism that ignores the complexities of reality in favor of fantastic, binary delusion. We may desire a black and white world, but that world simply doesn’t exist. It does no good to ignore the many shades of gray that surround us. Black and white proclamations smack of arrogance that belie ignorance and fear, and none of us are likely as smart as we think we are.

Walk a mile
This is probably the single most important thing any of us can do. It is far easier to reach conclusions about theories, policies and philosophies when we detach them from the people those conclusions affect. Ours is not an abstract world, and this is not a word problem from a text book. Actions have consequences that affect real people in direct and indirect ways. The more we have attempted to understand those who think, feel and live differently than us, the more likely we are to arrive at a wise conclusion.

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POSTED IN: Pontification