Marriage Actually - An honest look at marriage

Marital Arguments and Heart Health

by Kerri on October 6th, 2007

If I said that Bald Man and I don’t argue that much, would you be surprised?

If I said that I didn’t think it was all that healthy that we don’t, would you be surprised?

Without going into too many unnecessary (read as: boring) details, we’ve talked before about how we never really learned to argue properly. I mean, two people living together day-in and day-out have to have some kinds of issues/frustrations that come up and have to be dealt with, yeah? I think so. We’re starting to argue more, and I think it’s been good for us (usually). After all, just because you don’t verbalize issues and frustrations doesn’t mean they still can’t have a negative impact on your marriage (or any other relationship). And the whole passive-aggressive method of getting your way is never really healthy, even if you do get your way from time to time. :P

Hsien pointed me to a recent article in the New York Times discussing the effects of marital arguments on heart health. I think the article is definitely worth a read, and I do agree with some of their findings. The part that seemed to ring most true for me was the following:

For women, whether a husband’s arguing style was warm or hostile had the biggest effect on her heart health. Dr. Smith notes that in a fight about money, for instance, one man said, “Did you pass elementary school math?” But another said, “Bless you, you are not so good with the checkbook, but you’re good at other things.” In both exchanges, the husband was criticizing his wife’s money management skills, but the second comment was infused with a level of warmth. In the study, a warm style of arguing by either spouse lowered the wife’s risk of heart disease.

I think that example definitely follows the saying that we’ve heard so many times, “It’s not what you said, but how you said it.” I don’t think I’m the only one who, at times, has been aware of a kinder way to say something, and has chosen the more biting angle, anyway. Yeah, I don’t like admitting to that.

Here’s another interesting quote from the article:

The researchers found that the style of argument detected in the video sessions was a powerful predictor for a man or woman’s risk for underlying heart disease. In fact, the way the couple interacted was as important a heart risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol, says Timothy W. Smith, a psychology professor at the University of Utah, who presented the study last year to the American Psychosomatic Society.

If that’s accurate, that’s pretty startling. Not that I shouldn’t be aiming for the kindest way to love my husband, but there’s even more evidence as to why. Crazy.

How does the whole arguing thing go in your life? Do you know how to have healthy arguments?

Don’t forget to vote in the poll in the right sidebar. :)

photo credit: cookieshapedheart

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