Marriage Actually - An honest look at marriage

I’m Not Good at Sharing

by Bald Man on May 19th, 2007

So, we’re working in the back yard today. A little mowing. A little weeding. And a little tending to the veggie garden. This is year two of our veggie garden, and I’m quite excited. I’ve gotten around to amending the soil a bit, so I’m hoping for an improved harvest. Last year’s was good; this year’s should be better.

More importantly, and certainly more relevant to our topic at Marriage Actually, is this: today I finally admitted something to Kerri and myself.

It’s MY veggie garden.

Oh it’s not that way on purpose. I wanted it to be our veggie garden. Something we could do together. While I think Kerri has seen through the illusion for a little while, I perpetuated the myth that it was ours right up until today. Here’s how the illusion was shattered.

We are using the Square Foot Gardening method, and we have two 4′ x 4′ beds. One bed was still unplanted at the start of the day… not counting the weeds that had sprung up. Kerri starts tending to the weeds and at one point asks, “Can I walk in the bed to reach those weeds in the middle?” For those of you not familiar with Square Foot Gardening, one of the keys to the method is don’t walk in your beds. It compacts the soil hurting your harvest. It’s in the book, and you already know I’m a by the book kind of guy.

Well, my expression must have been answer enough. Kerri said it first, and shortly thereafter I, too, was able to confess, “You’re right. This is my garden. I’m not a good sharer.”

It’s not on purpose. Perhaps it’s that only child thing. Regardless, I wanted it to be our garden. Really I did. But, it isn’t. I’m a by the book kind of guy. Kerri’s free flowing approach only caused stress, stress Kerri decided wasn’t worth it.

It’s a bittersweet realization. On the one hand I’ve confessed to a flaw, but now I see myself a little more accurately. My illusion has given way to honesty… and that brings us to the point of application.

Ultimately truth is always better than illusion. We all come into marriage with certain illusions, about our spouse, ourselves, and the type or relationship we will have. At some point those illusions must give way to reality. We must see things as they really are. Rarely will this unveiling be the undoing of a marriage unless you let it. It is certainly possible that the illusion and the reality were do disparate that the relationship completely unravels. But that is rare. Instead these discoveries present opportunities for a decision. Will you renew your commitment to your spouse, or will you allow yourselves to “grow apart?”

In related news, the rose beds on the other side of the garage are now Kerri’s. We are still working on a joint custody arrangement for the flower bed in the front of the house.

images: veggies | illusion | squares

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POSTED IN: Resolving Conflict