Marriage Actually - An honest look at marriage

How To Ruin an Anniversary… Before It Happens

by Bald Man on May 16th, 2007

It’s not hard to ruin an anniversary. Hell, history is replete with stories passed on from one woman to another. Between nibbles of bon bon they regale each another with the latest “Can-you-believe-he’s-that-big-of-an-idiot!” tale. And let’s face it guys: these stories didn’t materialize out of thin air. No, we have fed that beast all too well over the ages.

I for one am sick of it. It’s time to raise the bar. Any damn fool can ruin an anniversary the day of. Bad gifts, writing the wrong name in the card, even just plain old forgetfulness - all of these will do the trick. But that’s not good enough for me! I’m committed to a higher standard. I have successfully endeavored to ruin the anniversary BEFORE IT ACTUALLY ARRIVES. That, my friends, takes talent.

I will now pause in order for you to fawn in admiration, grab a warm drink, and learn at the feet of the master…

Here now, is How To Ruin an Anniversary… Before It Happens!

Step #1 - As a child you must arrange for your own parents to divorce amicably and for one of your parents to move far, far away. You must then spend the remainder of your youth sharing holidays between the two homes, so that by adulthood your sense of attachment to the exact day of a special occasion is thoroughly shattered. Since nearly one half of all marriages end in divorce, you may be lucky enough to have been given a leg up on this step by your parents.

Step #2 - Ten years prior to meeting your bride or her family (I told you this requires advanced techniques.) brainwash her sister. Convince her she loves playing music and also has the talent to do so. Further convince her that she wants to pursue advanced degrees in music performance. From there you must only connive to arrange her final student recital on the weekend coinciding with or immediately preceding the anniversary you wish to sabotage.

Step #3 - Five years prior to your anniversary, sabotage a friend’s engagement, secure his acceptance to a medical residency across state, arrange for his best friend to get married to a woman with a sister so that he will eventually fall in love with and marry that sister, and finally subliminally persuade them to have that wedding on the same weekend as the recital conspired in Step #2.

Step #4 - Nine months prior to your anniversary open your home for a simple church gathering. Nurture that gathering and those relationships so that the time spent and each person involved is deeply valued by the time your anniversary rolls around, so much so that you and your wife would hate to not attend. Schedule that gathering so that it will fall on the same day of the week as your anniversary.

Step #5 - Eight months prior to your anniversary make a simple error at work involving one of your most demanding clients. Five months prior to your anniversary discover the error, but only correct half of it. Finally, immediately before the wedding and recital conspired in Steps #2 and #3, discover that you only fixed half of the problem thereby ensuring copious stress and overtime during the all important lead in to your anniversary.

With these five steps completed, all that remains is for you to watch the tears rain down. The importance that she naturally places on special occasions combined with your equally strong, well nurtured, but completely opposite tendency to make hash of special occasions will fester nicely in the circumstantial cesspool you have conjured. The tragedy that will be your anniversary shall undoubtedly emanate enough bad karma that you shouldn’t have to screw up another thing for years. With the burden of failure removed, you are free to love your wife perfectly for ages to come.

Tomorrow is our 10th wedding anniversary, so I write this tongue firmly in cheek. Thanks, Kerri, it’s been a blast! I can’t wait to see what the rest of the years hold. Heart & Soul; Always & Forever

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